Master of Art

Family....

All my life, I wondered about the real meaning of this word.

Home....
All my life, I had been trying to be happy in this place I call home.

The art of family, I wonder if anyone can perfect it. All I remember in my short almost 2 decades of life, is how I cried, cried, cried and cried.
At times, I found myself wondering, am I born to this world to master and become an expert in the feeling called Sadness. Nope, there is no irony nor is there any sarcasm.

Broken and shattered, a place called Home is where I come from. Somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to be sensitive. Sooner or later, I just might lose my ability to cry and feel.

The generation above me, is this why you bring me to this world? So I can see how terrible and awful this world is? So I can truly be afraid to something so stupid called Love?

There are so many words, that just can't be said. There are so many silent tears, that are left to fall alone. This chest of mine now feels empty. I am afraid, I won't have the ability to love anymore.

Family....
The ones who bring us to this world are I'm sorry to say, people who are irresponsible. Sometimes everything makes me wanna scream and shout into your faces. All the time, all I can do is bit my lip. Hold it down.

I am sorry today I'd grown up to be so bitter. I am sorry for the quiet demeaning look I have in my eyes when I look at you. I am sorry I knew too much. I am sorry I see too much. I am sorry I can no longer be the little girl who thinks of you. I am sorry I finally understand. I am sorry, I grew up too fast.

To smile when you're breaking. To laugh when all you want is to cry. It takes a lot of time and scars to master it. Waking up everyday sometimes feels like a chore. Who is the real me? I can no longer be sure.

If the walls of my room could speak, I am sure they will have a lot of bitter stories to tell. Stories about a young girl behind closed doors, how she had grown up to be bitter.

There are many words in this world that are not meant to say. And so, I will keep on remaining silent. I will keep on watching this foolish drama. I will keep on biting my lips holding it all back.

Words that aren't meant to say......
I will keep it....
Nobody shall know...
No one must see....

No one.....

17 years

That was me 15 years ago when I was 2 years old.

I had the most innocent smile ever.

In my eyes you can find not a trace unhappiness nor sadness.

Time.

We're all prisoners caged under the bars of Life,

Time is our brutal punishment.

I wonder how did it happen? I wonder when did it happen? The innocence in me is all gone.

Everyday I wake up, there is no longer a smile on my face as I roll off my bed and prepare to face the world.

Looking into the mirror I don't see me.

I only see another girl whom I could not recognize looking back at me silently.

Monday all the way through to Friday, I put on my school uniform and tie my necktie right.

Before I go, I remembered to grab my bag and put on my smile.

It's another day, another day filled with confusion and voices from above water.

The goals in life,

I understand is hard to achieve.

But I promise myself I will persevere. I will try hard. I will do my best.

When a day ends, I close my room door and took off my smile.

Time to rest, time for a goodnight sleep.

In my music sometimes I feel numb and couldn't find the passion I had.

In studies sometimes I can't concentrate and couldn't read nor understand a thing.

In love I am giving up for it's always the wrong person, I am always hurting and breaking.

In friendship, sometimes many of you makes me sad and time had changed everyone so much.

In family, I am so sick and tired of trying to understand your stupid issues.

Close friends leave one after another. 

I need to go out, have fun and stop worrying about everything for once!

I need to find the ME in me again,

The me that has no cares, the me that still believes in promises and happiness, the me that smiles truly from the bottom of my heart.

The last time I remember, I was on 12, graduating from primary school.

When did it begin that I am suddenly old enough to drive and go to wherever I want with everyone treating me like an adult.

When did I grew up??

Hahahhahahahaha....! It makes me laugh sarcastically, ironically.

From now on, I just wanna rub away the unhappiness that lurked too long in me.

A little by little everyday,

I want to make new friends and feel my heart BEAT against my chest again.

I want to feel excitement, passion, adrenaline, happiness as well as my soul.

A lot of things happened since I'm 2 years old.

Somewhere along the way I cried, got angry, felt hopeless, heart broken, betrayed and a million more emotions.

I sure, from here on, I will learn even more and feel another million of emotions.

It will be alright,

No need to force myself,

One step by one step, I will find ME again and happiness will reach me.

I am not your average girl,

I believe in me.

累 还是 泪？

我为什么一次有一次的为你伤心,

我真的不明白。。。

突然觉得好累， 真的好累。。。